www.cherysh.net

I think I'm leaving behind sparrow, for good now. Go visit cherysh, my new blog and design site.

Most parts are still under construction, but hey, you gotta love it  

Hey guys,

I'm in the midst of my exams, and I have to apologize to my visitors for not getting sparrow up.

I've been getting some really harassing messages to get the site done, etc. etc. Its really discouraging when I get messages like that. I am a college student, and I do have a life outside of web-designing.

2006 & 2007 have possibly been the most challenging years of my life. I think there was just no other word to describe it, than "unstable". I won't go into detail, but I do have a lot of private tabulas entries detailing daily struggles.

I know I don't blog my life the way I used to, or dedicate the time and effort I put into web-designing like I did when I was in high school. Sometimes real life just gets in the way.

When I get the chance to recharge and recover, and when I actually get time, I will post up the new layout for sparrow (yes, the one's thats word-press ready and looks uber awesome).

Good luck on exams to those that have them.

 - Annie

I wish I could say things like..

I did it.

I came out on top...

I beat depression.

I wish it was like a sickness. That you get "cured", and no longer have to deal with it for the rest of your life. I guess you could say in a sense that it is...

 Ever since seeking help, doctors, family and friends. I no longer have panic attacks, I no longer have dangerous thoughts, I no longer have random depressive moods, I no longer wish I could be someone else.

Although my recent positive tabulas entries seem to reflect my triumph over my own monsters, there are some things that linger which brings me a lot of anxiety, and fear for cycling back into old habits.

I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. A lot of it will be a bit ambiguous, a lot of it won't make sense.. but here i go..

Anxiety - I used to have frequent episodes sometimes where I get really antsy for no apparent reason. I would become impulsive, because (1) I couldn't understand where it was coming from and (2) it was a dangerous mindset... for reasons I won't express here. I've overcome it now.

He helped me through a lot. When I was with him, it was like all of my problems would disappear for just a brief moment. My fears were insignificant, I would just smile, and be happy with him. That was the best feeling in the world.

Because I was such a mess, and the very fact that he brought stability and happiness into my life, I became dependent on him. Even though I could see parts of my own life healing and getting better... through his support and my new found courage to live, I became dependent on him. He became my crutch I would need to lean on in order to get through each day.

I want to tell you that I am an independent person who is capable of standing her own two feet without someone by her side. But, unfortunately, that isn't always the case for me. We're kinda funny from other couples, I try my hardest to stay away from him, so I don't lean on him.. because having someone dependent on you like that, where their happiness depends solely on you is a huge burden.

I know. So I've been trying to get better. Trying not to ditch my friends to be with him, trying not to think of him all the time, trying hard not to miss him everyday. But I can't help it.

 I think I might need to find a sanctuary elsewhere. As to not drive him away, and myself to the brink of insanity.